No, not the 4 letter F-word. This is the nasty 3 letter F-word that pops into our heads from time to time. The F-word we try so hard to suppress and stop thinking about. The word I finally got out of my vocabulary, finally making me feel so much better about myself. That word? Fat. There, I said it. Fat. I feel fat. fat, fat, fat.
Right when I got pregnant, Solomon and I were in the middle of half marathon training. I was in fantastic shape…my legs were great, my butt was nice and tight, and everything just felt right. I wasn’t in my skinny jeans, but all of my normal clothes looked and felt right. Truthfully, I stopped trying to get into my skinny jeans, because getting in them would probably mean I was too skinny. Even though there are “average” weights for heights, when I do hit that weight I look emaciated. Me at 145 lbs. is just not good, I need a little more on me, even if I’m not in my skinny jeans. That’s why I think BMI is a big load of crap, and generally don’t really focus on the number on the scale. So now that I’ve rambled, the bottom line is I was thrilled with where I was.
I was really worried (and I know some of my friends and family were) that when I got pregnant I would totally freak out about the weight gain and changes in my body. Even though I had to stop running (not all pregnant women have to stop running, that was just me), and can’t lift as heavy, and couldn’t do the yoga I was used to, I have been able to stay active throughout my pregnancy. However, no matter how active I am (and I don’t overdo it at all), weight will be gained, it has to be gained.
In addition to staying active, I’ve eaten fairly well throughout. I gravitate towards smaller, more frequent meals because I can’t eat too much at once. The only problems are some of the foods I have taken to. I eat a lot more sweets than I ever did before, and have even begun to drink a lot more of my calories (I heart lemonade). All in all, I am getting 300-450 extra calories a day (in addition to extra calories for working out) as I should, and my weight gain is constant and right on target.
What’s the problem you ask? Even though I work out 5-6 days a week and eat well, I’ve hit the point where I just feel huge. There is a giant belly in front of me, which doesn’t bother me in the least bit (hey, my cute little boy is in there)! The problem is that I just feel soft from head to toe. I know that once the baby comes along, my muscles will come back, and I will get back to my old shape, but it’s really frustrating right now to not feel like myself. My arms feel flabby, my butt feels flat and my thighs feel huge. I even feel like I have a double chin (I don’t), and I’m convinced I have chub from head to toe that wasn’t there before. I’m starting to get a little insecure in this new body of mine, even though it’s only temporary.
I’m proud of what my body is capable of, but it’s just a hard adjustment when you’ve always been fit. You can only stay so fit during pregnancy, without depriving yourself, and allowing yourself to enjoy being pregnant. Not the easiest lesson to learn (and I know from talking to several girlfriends that I’m not alone feeling this way), but it kind of sucks. What’s hardest is knowing that some of the weight will fall off easily, but this will be an uphill battle to feel like myself again. Plus, I just know my boobs are going to get huge, which is just awkward to think about, since I already feel like they have taken over the state of Massachusetts.
There you have it. The F-word. It’s back in my vocabulary for now, and I hope it goes away soon, and I go back to loving myself, flaws and all, after this baby comes along. It really is an ugly word, I can’t believe I let it back into my life.
What do you do to combat fat talk? What did it take for you to feel comfortable in your own body?